Friday, December 3, 2010

Unbearable Pain In My Heart

I believe i already shared this video of my little girl in this blog long time ago, although i am not so sure when but i am certain that i did. I hardly go to my youtube account because i avoided to stumble into this very heart aching video i got of my little girl. This was taken the day before she left me. I was really hoping that she will win the battle but she never did make it. She fought so hard, i can tell, she was such a strong little girl, she must have gotten it from her mom. I was not able to do what i wanted to do to her during her 12 days of stay here in this earth. I was not able to hug her tight, gave her my sweet kisses and held her in my arms for she was being put in the incubator with lots of tubes all over her.

Before she died, there was a little girl next to her died. When i came to see her in NICU, i saw couple of doctors trying to revive the poor little girl. I really thought that was my little girl, my heart was pounding so fast like i could not breath anymore. But when i get to see what really happened, it was the baby girl next to her that they were trying to save, but did not win the battle. That happened a day before she left me, and i felt so relieve that it wasn't my little girl, but on the other hand i felt so sad that one angel in that room did not make it. I cried when i saw the mother crying holding her precious little one in her arms lifeless. It scared me thinking it is very possible that it might happen to my little girl too. But i tried to erase the negative thoughts that's been bothering me. So i took my camera out and thought it would be nice to make a movie, as our remembrance that she's been fighting with the unbearable pains she's been dealing. I visit her everyday in NICU. I, in fact spent most of my time everyday staying there just to let her know i was there to give her comfort from her pains than being with her big brother that time.

It was her twelfth days when she finally ended her sufferings. That was three o'clock in the morning when i received a text message from the doctor telling me that my little girl was in a bad shape. That message made me shiver, could not compose myself, i was shaking and felt so weak. Everyone was still asleep for it was early dawn. I got dressed and rushed into the hospital by myself. I rode a taxi crying so hard. I could not even see the driver's face when i told him to take me to the hospital because my eyes were full of tears. I wished i can fly that time and flap my wings as fast as i could so i can get there in no time to see my precious daughter. I did not waste my time, i rushed inside NICU room without realizing that i left my belongings outside the room. I don't care if someone will steal my stuff, all i want to see is my daughter who's in pain.

The doctor told me she already had a cardiac arrest and they were able to save her. I was crying, i was still shaking and don't know what to think. The doctor went home for she was not supposed to be in the hospital that very hour. It was 4:35 AM when my little Deanne had her second arrest but again, the resident doctor saved her. I was praying so hard then, begging HIM down on my knees to just give her to me and not take her away from me. I don't know what to do if she won't make it. I was a little relieve when the resident doctor announced her vital signs were stable. And felt better when my brothers and my mother came in the hospital to give me comfort for i was about to fall apart and break into pieces.

The third arrest she had was around 8:30 in the morning. I was about to eat my breakfast then although i don't feel like eating because i was so worried and scared for my little girl, but my mother forced me to eat to gain at least some energy. I spilled my food by the waiting area not knowing it because when the nurse called me to get inside. I stood and ran away heading to where my little girl is at. It was round 9:00 AM when the doctor declared she's gone, they could not do anything to her anymore. That very moment i heard the declaration, my eyesight went black, nothing i can see. I want to say something but no words came out from my mouth. I want to shout but i could not even whisper. I want to pick her up but my arms wasn't moving. I want to kiss her but i was not able to do it, i can't move my body! My body was paralyzed! I did not even know i passed out. They took me to the emergency room and tried to revive me for i was not breathing. My mother cried thought she will lose me also. She told me that i should not give up and have to think that a lot of people loves me and need me still, especially my three year old son and my husband.

It was past 12:00 noon when i realized i was in the different room already. Then i remember that my precious little girl just left me. I did not say anything to my family, instead i cried quietly. How could this unbearable pain happened to me? Why? How come? Of all those mothers that tried to kill their children through abortion but they were still lucky enough to have their children came out alive! I gave everything what she needs for her to survive but she never made it!!! Why me! Why my daughter??? So many questions in my mind that i could not answer right at that very moment. My body and mind was so exhausted, i don't even want to move and don't want to think anything. My family asked me what should i do to her body but i did not answer, i cried again and don't even want to think that she's gone. I still can't admit to myself that she is really gone.

The pain in my heart keeps on coming back every time i see this video, it's still the same pain just like the day she left me... I miss my little girl so much, i know she is in a better place now but i can't help myself not to miss her presence....

10 comments:

Mommy Rubz said...

Thank you for sharing Mommy. I know the feeling of losing someone precious like your Baby Girl.

Keep strong for your Lil Boys!

Utah Mommy said...

Thank you so much Mommy Rubz, the pain is never been lesser but i always feel that i am blessed despite of what i have been through because i got two adorable boys now and a very loving and thoughtful husband.... Plus i have lots of friends that's always there to comfort me whenever i am down.

aimeeyel said...

Mommy Rubz, I feel for you. However, we could only get the comfort we need in the loving arms of God. He will always make you feel His love.

Rossel said...

i am teary-eyed, Mommy. sorry about your baby. God has HIS reasons for everything. i know she is happy with HIM.

Sutil Princess said...

Hello, I was teary-eyed reading your entry and watching the video. I can feel your pain, she's such an angel when she opened her eyes showing her love to you though in pain.

zek said...

Sorry about that. I hope your getting much stronger for your boys. We always lose the one we love for a certain reason. Let's just be glad that some time in our life we had them. Smile mommy.
pibyang
Elijah

Utah Mommy said...

I thank you all for the uplifting words you said here. I want you to know that i appreciate you for taking some time to read my entry. I wrote this entry on how i feel deep inside my heart.

Mrs. Kolca said...

I feel bad for you. You got me crying because of this post. You know, I think I would want to die also if I'll lost my daughter. But then again, God will not allow such thing if He doesn't have a better plan. Be comforted dear. You have a daughter in heaven.

Merydith said...

It's ok Darl. She made you strong! :)

Tony Briley said...

We are still sorry for your loss, and our hurt and helplessness is nothing in comparison to what you felt. Sometimes knowing she is in a better place doesn't make us feel any better, but she belongs to God and always did.