It is now quarter to 3:00 o'clock in the morning and i am still awake. I went to bed last night late too, it was like past 11:00 o'clock at night. But before i went to bed i phoned my dear mother over in Philippines to check how is she doing. She said she is trying to be better and she feels so scared and worried about her condition especially now that she is just by herself, no one's with her during at night. I got worried too because she needs company and she must have one at least during at night because she might not feel very good so someone could watch over her. I hang up the phone last night with hurt brain, feeling so helpless and depressed once again for my dear mother because i couldn't do such things for her, how i wish i can right at this very moment but how? I am thousand miles away from her and can't just fly back to her right off due to my situation and also financial issue. As you all know that economy has gone down really bad and everybody are affected about it.
I think i fell asleep around midnight. But horrible nightmare woke me up, it was really a very bad dream for me. I was holding my mother while she was having heart attack. I was trying to wake her up and tell her how much i need her, how much we need her, her kids, but no reply. Her eyes were way up to the top and her mouth were wide open, it looked like i am holding her lifeless. My heart dropped, i had mixed thoughts in my dreams. I was totally confused what to do while looking at my mother lifeless in my arms. It was very painful scene for me to look at. And to think that she was in my arms, lifeless.
I woke up with heavy heart and tears in my eyes. I could hardly breath so i got up and went to the bathroom and finish my crying. I have to let it out because i felt so heavy and it's hard for me to breath. I am pretty much sure you all know what i am trying to say here. I lost my daughter almost a year now and it will be too much for me to see another loved one lifeless in my arms again. My mother is not in a very good condition. She supposed to have heart surgery but honestly i have mixed feelings about it. Forget about financial issue, let's say we her kids can afford the million pesos surgery of hers, she will undergo the very risky operation. If she will surpass it, then after that, what? I have searched through internet or some other people who undergone the same surgery that we are considering for my dear mother. Most of them lived only few years after their surgery and passed away.
That's why we her kids are very much worried about her. We need to talk about it if we really need to have her undergo the heart surgery. We loved her so much but we all know that our life isn't eternal, we have our own perfect time to leave in this world because we don't own our life, we just borrowed it and we all know where it's from and who owns it. My sister told me to prepare my heart for our dear mother but i can't seem to tell it to my stubborn brain that i really have to. It isn't very easy but i need to accept the fact that our dear mother is not getting better and better everyday. I so love her so much, she is been a good mother to us, a very wonderful mother, she has done everything for us her children and we all grew up to be respectful and good citizen. I will thank her until the rest of my life for raising us so well. She is one unique person that deserves to be praised forever.
"Remember no one can make you feel inferior without your consent." —Eleanor Roosevelt—
