Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Life Is What We Make It

It was a good talk with my sister last night. I haven't had the chance to talk to her for a long time for she was busy with her life and her family. But last night, it felt like i was talking to her face to face and not on the net. I can only imagine every reaction of hers every time i tell her something that surprises her.

Anyway, we talked about our past, our bad childhood that we never got to learn how to love our late father. Some of you that's been visiting me here so often probably know about a little story of my past already. But for those who don't, here's more of the details about my life.

I grew up with bitterness and hatred in my heart because of my father. He was not being a good father to us his children that's why we kept so much hatred towards him, probably me the most. I am the youngest girl in the family, was also the one who helped my mother took care of my three little brothers when my father got really sick. We used to have a good financial status and it was all because of my mother's hard work. My father resigned from his work too soon, so my mother did all her best to support our needs without my dad's help. My father even threatened my mother that if her businesses won't work, then she will expect not to see him anymore. And i witnessed that very night, my mother was packing some retail bags of one big sack of sugar, and that was middle of the night already, but then she was still there working so hard, while my father already fell asleep and got up and said that to her. How rude was that? Pointing his finger while saying that to her. He should've been helping her instead of yelling her like that. I was hurt and felt sorry for my mother, i wish i had the courage to talk back to my father of what he should've done. But no, i was just a little girl, who's scared to my father for he was a very strict person and no one can dare to do what he does, to yell at his family.

There's more deeper reason why i hated my father so much then. When i was about to leave our house heading to my sister's place in northern part of the country to continue my studies, (he was already very ill that time and could hardly get up without someone's help), he told me while crying that i might not see him again after i leave, he said that he can tell that he won't stay very long anymore. So i replied this way "Good, so there will be one less demon in this world". I can't believe i actually said that to him, that day, i had the courage to say harsh words to him for i know he couldn't hurt me anymore because of his health condition.

He died due to his acute diabetes when i was in junior high school. I did not even bother going back home for his wake and funeral. In my mind, i was so happy that finally, he's gone, the demon is gone! My teacher talked to me that she would exempt me from the test if i would like to go home to attend the funeral. And i told my teacher that i am not going home for i can't do anything about his death, he's dead and be it, and besides i can't bring his life back if i go home, and if that'll happen, then it's better for me not to go back home. He taught me how to be tough, to be hard and that made my heart became iron. And because of him, i experienced a lot more hardships in life. He died without my forgiveness, with so much hatred i feel for him, bitterness i felt in my heart.

It was the time when i got married to my husband and blessed with our first born son, i realized and understood of what really happened to my past. There's one regret i have right now, i never got the chance to talk to my father heart to heart. I was gonna ask him a lot of why's. I was gonna ask him what kind of life he has before he married our mother. I was gonna ask him how was his childhood days, was it good or mostly bad just like mine? Honestly, i never had the chance to get to know my father. Yes he was my father but never had the big chance to bond with him, and that is my big regret. We could've fix the problem between him and his children if ever we had the chance to talk. But too late, he's gone now and will never come back anymore.

Although i honestly still don't have love for him until now even if he's gone already, but i am now giving my forgiveness to him. He is just a human being that made mistakes, just like the rest of us in this world. He was so unlucky that he never had the chance to live a good life, being loved by his children. He was born unlucky and died unlucky. With all these things that happened to me with my family, i still am grateful i realized that despite of my bad past, my childhood memories weren't good and worth to keep, i am still thankful that i am now a happy person with a happy family of my own. My bad past made me of what i am now and i am thankful for it for i became more tougher, stronger and became an open minded person. I undergone a lot of hardships, trials and unforgettable experience but i am glad that my heart is now soft and not hard as an iron like it was before. Thanks to my own family who taught me how to love.

We all have a story to tell or maybe some people preferred to just keep it themselves. This is just a small part of me, and i wanted to share this to everybody for them to realize that no matter how bad is your past, if you choose to be happy in the future, you surely can. Like what some people say that LIFE IS WHAT WE MAKE IT, you can either choose to carry your baggage for the rest of your life or move on for the happier future. For me, i chose to be happy and that is what i got now, i am a happily married woman and blessed with two adorable boys (of course with my little lady watching over us). I am thankful to our big BOSS for everything, for all the blessings he gave me. I may have an unforgettable bad past, but i am now collecting good and happy memories with my own family as i spend my life with them every single day.

This picture was taken earlier, and i would also like to share this to all of you for you to see that i have a happy face because i have a happy life :)

1 comment:

Emzkie said...

oh thats a sad story Darl. but its ok coz look at you now.. it made u a better person. =)

ni agi lang ko.. naki tsismis. hehehe
stay happy!